the offical cry for help..

alright i'm just gonna go with this.. its been over an hr and 1/2 since i went to bed.. and i laid in bed... with a million things racing through my head.. and i just sat up.. wide awake..

on one note.. air force.. is slowly but surely killin me... i just.. AH i just can't do anything right, or even if i can.. i don't know i do and its things i feel its so obvious how could i not do them right.. i'm actually really insecure when it comes down to it.. so to be constantly told i'm doin things wrong, or having ppl pointing out EVERY mistake i make, and completely over lookin anything i do right, which when i do do something right in my head i'm jumping up and down with joy thinkin maybe i don't suck at life at this after all.. maybe i can do it.. ONLY to have another fault pointed out while what i did right is completely over looked.. its kinda bullshit.. i just.. AHKLJLJSDLFJKLWBLKSJ.. i think i am in control and on top of things.. and then BAM.. hit by an 18 wheeler sneak attack style..

kappa.. ok.. i love kappa.. NOT gonna lie.. its kinda like.. what i resort to when i can't stand work and soccer and air force and just.. yea.. 40 girls to talk to about anything and everything.. its kinda like a lil slice of heaven on this campus.. and the gossip EVER gets old.. again- not gonna lie.. i love hearing who kissed who, who did what, who did who, something embarassing that happened.. anything.. i love it all.. lol.. but.. ok.. its kinda really time consuming.. and its not like i mind it.. but the interviews of 40 girls.. is killing me.. 25 interviews and SIGNATURES by nov 1.. ps 2 weeks.. some of the things i have to do for the signature is crap.. i know.. its suppose to whatever and twatever but i'm so stressed out right now.. lil things i gotta do like that.. NOT a priority.. not something i can handle worrying about.. cuz in reality.. those 5 pages of air force knowledge and that chem class i'm sorta getting a C in and that soccer game i have tomorrow.. kinda are more important the the oldest member of my family tree's fondest memory of kappa.. i don't really have time to research a potential 87 yr old and talk to her on the phone for 2 hrs askin her about her years at kappa.. DON'T have time..

soccer.. yea.. soccer.. i'm so incredibly fucked up right now.. from my hips to my nerves to my knee that hurts at night in the morning, to my toe, to my nose and breathing issues presently.. to just.. EVERYTHING.. everything hurts... everything is in pain.. at the end of the day... i just wanna crawl up in a ball and hide from the world... never having to walk or move again at least for like... a month straight.. the tension in my back and shoulders is so bad.. sarah couldn't even attempt really to get any form of knots or anything outta them.. the pain from my right hip regions nerve that shoots pain up my lower back.. is presently throbbing.. at this point.. i am so excited for wednesday of next week to come.. i won't have to play soccer for like 10 months.. it will be amazing.. and i'm sorry if thats not how i'm suppose to feel.. but i'm so excited for off season.. i'm so excited to have my nights back.. to have my weekend mornings back.. i can't really remember the last time i slept in.. or the last time i had an early night sleep like i use to do in high school.. i just can't..

eatting.. now i know it sounds bad.. but i don't even have time to eat.. i eat on the go so much.. i grab a bag of goldfish and head off to class.. i go to the center court for a pizza and take it back to the room to study.. i have NO time it feels.. and the time i do have.. that i should be studying.. all i can do is crash and sleep.. i can't help it.. i'm so stressed and so over exhausted.. i sleep so much more.. which sounds really fucked up.. but its tru.. the amount of naps i take.. at least daily.. even if its just for 30mins or an hr.. i am just tired.. ALL THE TIME..

school.. well i just suck at life in chem.. thats apparent.. yay for getting my 1st C.. my math teacher definitely is being a tool and gave me a B on my midterm when i know i have all 100s or close to it in her class.. twatever.. i need to sorta take the time and figure out matlab.. cuz i have NO idea how to do it at all.. and i'm just lost and i just suck at life at it.. and it not workin out.. other than that.. CS i'm sorta getting lost.. hopefully if i take the time to learn it.. i'll actually understand it.. i need more time to study.. and not be so tired when i study.. thats my problem.. i just.. ALWAYS have something i need to do.. or i have to do or twatever.. grr... school.. who needs college anyways?

boys.. well.. enoughs enough.. i'm sorry but until i get swept off my feet- like that is ever gonna happen- fuck 'em.. i'm tired of searching.. i'm tired of waiting.. i'm tired of makin things outta something they aren't.. i'm tired of the benefit of the doubt i give guys.. i am sorry.. but i can't do it.. i don't have the strength.. i don't have the energy.. i clearly don't have the time to worry about it.. i'm not lookin anymore.. i'm finally listening to megan.. haha.. if something happens unexpectantly.. bring it on.. it'd be a god send.. but as far as i can see.. i'm lookin at a solo couple of months.. i've done it for 18yrs.. i can do it for a couple more months..

so if anyone has time.. probably lookin at a good 2-3hrs.. i'd love a back massage.. just to attempt to get the knots out.. and if anyone knows chem.. i'd LOVE for them to make me understand it..cuz really.. this C.. needs to go away... i just need.. help.. i need to be reassured.. i need to be told its gonna be ok BECAUSE.. and someone fillin that blank.. like.. don't just say 'we all got it bad' or 'we've all been there'.. cuz right now.. i feel like i'm so alone and so helpless.. ppl feel sorry but no one wants to spend the time and help.. i truly need help.. i need someone to study air force warrior knowledge with.. i need some to tutor me in chem since the ARC is complete crap at helping.. i need someone to show me they are glad i'm doing.. whatever i've done for them.. or just any kind of positive reassurance.. i feel like i work my ass off with no reward.. and i know its probably not the case in the slightiest bit.. but its how i feel.. and i just.. don't wanna go on like this for much longer.. i can't go on like this much longer..

lata playas,





<3anne