life.. it happens
so boys suck ass
its kinda funny because i have a really hard getting over people and i use to be terrified to show any weak emotions of that sort.
but over the past year or so, i haven't been afriad any more to put myself out there. thats not to say i don't get scared shitless inside and my mind goes a mile a minute racing with thoughts of constant denial and lack of confidence in myself. but hey, thats what i'm thinking, doesn't mean i should let those thoughts control my life. i've worked really hard to get over those thoughts and those constant fears that have previously lead me through every moment of my life up until now.
i'm learning how to get over things easier, boys, life, family, friends, etc. i'm one to hold a gruge for life and be bias against a person for one wronging they did to me. yet at times if i have come to trust/like/love the person even if they don't share the same feelings back, i raise them high on a platform giving them all the benefit of the double, convinced they could, and never would, do me wrong on purpose. they would purposely hurt me or treat me like shit, never steer me wrong, never cause me pain. which something my niiave and innocence has forced me to believe, and something i know it is not the case in all and in most instances. i'm workin on it, trying to build up my wall but leaving holes for those i know i can trust.
when did life get so complicated.. last time i checked.. i could coast in the back of the crowd, not really being noticed.. being that "tall girl who played sports and knows math stuff" and now i walk around campus and i have ppl from air force, classes, my dorm, greek life, soccer and what not saying hi to me, askin how my leg/heel/nose are.. i'm not use to that.. i'm use to no one really noticing.. no one really caring about me.. its really odd for me to be noticed and accepted so much as i am.. you'd think it would be a good thing that this is happening.. and its true i feel honored and blessed that i have people around me that know and accept me for who i am, care about me, the me that in the past no one wanted to get to know. but its soo overwhelming. i feel really exposed, i have become so honest with people, so open, one wrong move i feel i could be taken down in an instant.. i could crumble with people turning on me.. i dunno i just feel.. uncomfortable, like it was TOO easy for me to just "fit in".. its never been that way for me. i'm not the type of person to just walk in and fit in and have "instant" friends. it took me 4 yrs of high school to gain a total of 3 good friends, and 2 didn't even go to my school..
and where did my life go.. like being able to breath, eat, sleep socialize in a slow and steady pace.. not this 4 hrs of sleep, with minimal amount of food i quickly eat and and constantly carrying 4 different activities stuff.. gone from my room for hours at a time.. its long and stressful.. i'm managing.. and besides the 75 i got in chem on my chapter test i feel like i'm managing pretty well..
so sucessfully i have avoided for at least a 1/2 an hr to study and do homework.. which is something i gotta go do now..
<3anne
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